It's okay to feel things.

"It's okay to feel things. You're not going to do anything about "fixing" these feelings. You are just going to feel them." - Me to myself, in seat 33C on a flight from Boise, Idaho to Tampa, Florida last week.

Did you know that those of us born under a Pisces sun have a tendency to give ourselves pep talks when we feel down? While I'm sure we aren't the only signs that do it, it is, according to Cafe Astrology, a particularly Piscean thing to do.

After accepting my new job in Salt Lake City just 2 weeks after making the decision to even think about applying, I found myself a cauldron of emotions. The fact is, my husband and I are teetering on the edge of "ramen noodle broke" and "BROKE broke", and getting this job is clearly a good thing. In addition to that, for various reasons, we've come to the conclusion that we need to be closer to family, so Salt Lake is good for that, too.

But leaving Florida? That feels decidely less good.

It hit me the strongest when I was sitting alone on the plane. (Kyle and I weren't able to get seats next to each other.) He had been thinking out loud about the logistics of the move before I had even been offered the job, but when I said, "It's time to go back to the sunshine!" and he said, "For about two weeks" I felt my stomach drop. It wasn't the first time that week, but it was more pronounced than before. Probably because it was real now.

The Universe has made it pretty clear that this is where we need to go and what we need to do. I've grown more in the last year than I had in the previous 5, and the biggest thing I've learned is that I can't control everything. I've always known that, but now I can live with it. My heart will always reside in the sunshine, regardless of where my physical presence takes me.

The thing is, when you accept the fact that you can't control everything, you start to wonder what exactly you can control. Depression stomped into my life and kicked my butt pretty hard about two years ago, so I know from experience that emotions are often not one of the things I have much control over. But I want to control them. I want to decide when I feel joy (always) and when I cry (never), but the universe (and everyone in it) has taught me that that is entirely impossible.

And that's okay.

Right now, I'm practicing what it means to just feel things. Feel sad without trying to fix it.

To be honest, it feels mildly like defeat.

Even as I type this, a full week after originally writing it on the plane, I really want to force a happy ending. An "ah-ha" moment for you, the reader. But I haven't completed the lesson yet, so I don't know the moral. Ask me about it next year. Or in 50 years.

In the meantime, the one thing I do know for sure is that I am growing. I'm trying things and doing work that challenges me- and Kyle is, too. Growth and family: two things that I'm grateful to find consistent in my life.

Growth = progress. And for me, family = a whole lot of love. So I think we're on the right track.

Until next time,

Nikki