A Life Update - (Read the trigger warnings before skimming!)

Hi friends!

Before diving into where the heck I have been for the past month or so, I want to preface this post with some trigger warnings. If you are sensitive to any of the following topics, this post may not be for you. TW: pregnancy, miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, death, loss

Alright, let's dive in.

Back in January, my husband and I decided we were ready to try for a baby. 4 weeks ago, I realized that I missed my period for February, and after taking 3 tests I confirmed it: we were pregnant! We couldn’t believe that it happened so quickly, I had only been off the pill for a few months, but we were extremely grateful and excited. For the next week or so, I started to have some spotting, weird pain, and cramping. This was my first pregnancy, so I had no idea if this was normal or not. I dealt with it for a few days, but by Wednesday, exactly one week after finding out I was pregnant, I felt like something had to be wrong. On my lunch break I called my OB, (whom I had never actually met yet), and left a voicemail for her that sounded something like this. "Hi... my name is Nikki Murray, we haven't met yet. This is my first pregnancy so I'm probably being over cautious, but I'm having some weird pain and I'm spotting a little. I have no idea if this is normal, google isn't helping. Thanks!" A few hours later I felt like I should check my phone, which I literally never do at work. I saw I had missed her call, so I called back, and after speaking with the nurse for a few minutes and answering a bunch of questions, I was told “I’m so sorry, but you need to go to the ER, and you need to go right now.” I was really confused. My pain levels were not that bad at all, and if I was miscarrying, I didn’t think that the ER could really do anything about that. Plus, the ER in America is notoriously expensive. But I left work immediately, called my husband, went home and got him, and we went to the ER. I broke down in tears on the way. I knew something was wrong, and this is the moment when I felt, deep down, that whatever was happening may not be a viable pregnancy. Four hours and a lot of tests later, we left without a real answer. At this time there was a growth in my uterus, but it had no embryonic features. We were told that it could be an extremely early pregnancy, but it could be something else (they didn’t know what). I also had a growth on my right ovary. There was a chance that could be an ectopic pregnancy, but it could be a cyst. My blood levels were showing that I was definitely pregnant, but there was no way to know if it was the growth in my uterus or my ovary. Two days of worry later, I was in my OB’s office getting another ultra sound. This time, the growth in my uterus was gone. After more blood work, my OB confirmed it to be an ectopic pregnancy. An ectopic pregnancy is when the egg gets stuck in the Fallopian tube and doesn’t make it to the uterus. Ectopic pregnancies are very rare at only 2% of pregnancies. They are not viable pregnancies, and can be fatal to the mother if not caught and treated, which is why they had told me to go to the ER right away. There are two treatments for ectopics: the first is to surgically remove it. The second is to get a shot which will stop your body from producing pregnancy hormones. This will lead to the pregnancy dying and naturally exiting your body. The shot is 98% effective and significantly easier and cheaper than the surgery, so of course, I chose the shot. I got it in-office that day, and was told to take it easy the next few days. That was Friday. Saturday afternoon I was standing in the kitchen when I felt a small “pop” inside my body. It didn’t hurt, but within 20 minutes, I was rapidly getting worse. I threw up and could barely stand. My husband rushed me to the ER. I had to try really hard, but I managed to maintain consciousness during the drive there. My husband got a wheelchair and wheeled me into the ER, where they kept asking me standard questions “name, birthday, how tall are you? Can you stand on this scale?” Until I promptly threw up again. Finally they got me in a bed. Another ultrasound, some morphine, and an unexpected fall later- they called the on-call OB and anesthesiologist, and I had emergency surgery to remove my (now burst) Fallopian tube. Once an ectopic pregnancy bursts, it is a life or death situation, and that was very apparent to me just based on the way I felt. There was a moment where I thought I was going to die. I thought to myself “I need to tell my husband how much I love him, because I think this is it.” Thank God it wasn’t, but that moment is something I will hold with me my entire life. There was a point where I tried to use the restroom, (my OB is extremely upset the hospital staff let me do this,) and a nurse assisted me in sitting up, and then left so I could use the bathroom on my own. I had been bleeding internally for hours by this point, so after sitting on the toilet, I promptly passed out and fell off. I don’t remember anything except that I know I hit my head, and at one point I heard my husband call, “are you ok??”. Apparently he came in and tried to help me stand, but I passed out in his arms. He had to get help, and then I vaguely remember being lifted back into the bed. The pain I felt after the morphine wore off (before surgery) was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. It’s extremely hard to articulate, but the fact that I could barely stay awake is scary. I don’t have much to say about the surgery itself because I obviously don’t remember it, but I do know that the graham crackers they gave me when I woke up tasted like heaven. Recovery It has been three weeks since the surgery, and I have to say how unbelievably grateful I am to live in a time period where medical care has advanced to this extent. 50 years ago, an ectopic pregnancy would have killed me, but today I only have 3 small incisions and lots of bruising. I ended up loosing over 1 liter of blood during the surgery, not to mention what I lost from a week of spotting and all the blood work, so I’m still pretty light headed at times. I’ve been getting regular blood work to be sure I’m not anemic, and my hemoglobin counts are going up, so all is well there. My husband didn’t leave my side for.. well, he still hasn’t, really. We reached a new level of care in our relationship, because for a week he had to bring me all my food and help me go to the bathroom and shower. My mom came and stocked our fridge and did my laundry, and so many friends and family sent flowers and checked on me. I am outrageously blessed to have the support network I do. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to write about this whole experience, but ultimately I decided that I needed to. It helps me mentally process to “put things on paper”, but even more than that, maybe this will help someone be more informed about their early pregnancy and what to look for. Ectopic pregnancies are rare, but they happen, and in case anyone stumbles across this after frantically googling like I was, I want to be here to tell you that it is going to be okay. Do not ignore any signs of pain or spotting in early pregnancy, call your OB right away. If you don't know if you are pregnant, but are experiencing weird pain that isn't familiar to you, take a pregnancy test. If I hadn't taken the tests, I probably would have assumed I was just having a rougher than normal period. Find a good OB who will advocate for you and don’t stop asking questions. Be diligent in your care so that you can catch it early. You will be okay and you will heal. Going Forward I know what you are thinking, and yes, I could get pregnant again and go on to have perfectly normal pregnancies. But unfortunately, the odds of having an ectopic pregnancy do increase once you’ve had one. In my case, because it burst, I only have one Fallopian tube left. After an ectopic pregnancy, it is advised that you wait at least 3 months before attempting to get pregnant again. Kyle and I have always felt drawn to adopting, even before this happened, so at this point in time we are just slowing down and evaluating all our options. I am not swearing off pregnancy, but we are both a little hesitant right now. (If you have advice about adopting, I’d be happy to hear it! Please do not message me telling me to try and get pregnant again. I literally almost died. I will probably block you.) I am so grateful for all the love and support Kyle and I have received during this time. It has made a world of difference in our journey and there aren't enough words in the English language to express how loved I have felt. From the bottom of my heart, thank you so very much.

Nikki